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Messin’ with “Messin’ With Sasquatch”

In case you missed it:

Some thoughts on Tony Stewart, still blowing smoke.

My piece on the wizardry of Tim Duncan. (Here’s my friend Joe Posnanski on the same subject.)

Everything you need to know about storytelling in 5 minutes.

*****

I’m always surprised when companies spend millions of dollars on TV commercials to project one clear message: People who use our product are idiots.

The Jack Link’s Beef Jerky commercials with Sasquatch are the pinnacle of the form. There’s a new one out:

So these three friends are walking down a quiet country road, just having left the store back there along the curve. I assume this is the beef jerky farm store. You have to drive out there to get the jerky when it’s nice and fresh.

They run across this legendary monster sleeping under a tree. So they put makeup on him and paint his nails. Never mind that he’ll never know he’s wearing makeup because SASQUATCHES DON’T HAVE MIRRORS. He wakes up and sees the nails, and that makes him furious enough to chase after the three jerky-eating pranksters. They make it to their car … but he just flips it over and it barrel-rolls down the hill.

Sasquatch is undefeated in these beef jerky encounters. The folks eating the jerky always play some prank on him, and in turn he kicks them into a tree or throws a python into their camper or just beats them half to death. There are only two conclusions you can draw from these commercials:

1. People who eat Jack Link’s Beef Jerky are stupid beyond belief; or

2. Eating Jack Link’s Beef Jerky MAKES you stupid beyond belief.

Well, I guess there’s a third possibility:

3. Jack Link’s Beef Jerky contains a powerful hallucinogen that makes you see Sasquatch.

In which case, “Trippin’ With Jack Link” is a MUCH better slogan.

 

 

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Story shapes (and exercise tips?) from Kurt Vonnegut

My Twitter friend Baxter Holmes sent me this Kurt Vonnegut video the other day. He said my post on everything you need to know about storytelling in 5 minutes reminded him of this. Kurt pulls it off in 4:37.

Probably because of this, I had a dream a couple of nights ago that Vonnegut was showing me around a college campus. I kept hoping he’d dispense writing tips. But all he talked about was exercise. More walking, he said. Some light jogging is good, too.

I’m trying, Kurt.

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Everything you need to know about storytelling in five minutes

On Wednesday I spoke to the Public Relations Society of America’s Charlotte chapter. They’re a good group. Sometimes I speak off the top of my head at this sort of thing, but this time I actually wrote out some thoughts, so I thought I’d post them here in the spirit of Austin Kleon’s “show your work” idea.

If you do any kind of storytelling for a living, these are probably basic ideas … but maybe not.

Thanks for having me here today. I want this to be more of a conversation than a speech. I don’t need much time for a speech, because today I’m going to teach you everything you need to know about storytelling in five minutes.

But first I want to tell you a little story.

My wife has this uncanny gift for finding the worst possible movie on TV at any given moment. The other night she landed on the SyFy channel, on this movie called “Collision Earth.”

I’m gonna try to come up with a quick synopsis that does this movie justice.

The event that gets the action going is a solar flare so powerful that it knocks the planet Mercury out of its orbit and sends it hurtling toward Earth. This would be bad.

Along with knocking Mercury out of its orbit, somehow this solar flare also magnetized Mercury, so as it heads for Earth, cars and stuff start flying into the air to meet it.

There’s ONE scientist who knows how to fix this. In fact he has built this giant battering ram in space for just this situation. But for reasons I never did quite follow, this scientist was fired from NASA years before, and his giant battering ram was unfinished and left out in space to rot, and now, of course, NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO HIM.

It just so happens that this disgraced scientist’s wife is an astronaut whose spacecraft is — you won’t believe this — orbiting Mercury. But the solar flare hit the ship so hard that a little while later, the other astronaut on board keels over and dies.

So he’s on the ground trying to save the Earth, and she’s up in space trying to save the Earth, and they’re actually talking to each other via ham radio — I don’t even wanna get into how THAT happened.

There’s not nearly enough time to tell you all the ways this movie is ludicrous, so I’ll give you just two:

One, this giant magnetized planet that’s flying toward us is just sucking cars off the earth, EXCEPT when the disgraced scientist needs a car to get somewhere; then his car stays on the ground just fine, even as other cars are being sucked off the planet right in front of him.

And two, this astronaut up there, when she needs to move around the spaceship, she doesn’t float through the capsule in zero gravity … she just gets up and walks around like she’s at the mall.

I have only scratched the surface of how stupid on every level this movie is. But we watched the damn thing all the way to the end. When it was over, I looked at my wife and said “Why did we do that?” But the truth is, I knew why.

And here’s where I tell you everything you need to know about storytelling in five minutes.

First, I’m gonna draw three objects.

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This is a sympathetic character. It’s probably someone you like, but at the very least it’s someone you’re emotionally invested in. You care what happens to this person.

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This is a hurdle. It’s an obstacle of some kind — could be a bad guy, could be a physical challenge, could be some sort of internal emotional demon.

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And this is the pot of gold — some kind of goal, some kind of reward, physical or emotional or whatever.

A story is the journey of this character you care about, confronting and dealing with this obstacle, to reach this pot of gold.

In addition to these three pictures, you need to answer two questions:

1. What’s the story about?

 2. What’s it REALLY about?

Here’s what I mean.  What the story’s about is literally what happens in the narrative — who this character is, what goal he or she is trying to reach, what obstacle is in the way. The unique set of facts.

What the story’s REALLY about is a way of saying, what’s the point? What’s the universal meaning that someone should draw from this story? What’s the lesson?

When you think about it that way, you’ll find that you end up with a second obstacle and a second goal.

Think about the first Rocky movie. What’s it about? It’s about a no-name boxer in Philly (sympathetic character) who gets a chance to fight the champ (obstacle) and goes the distance (pot of gold).

He doesn’t win the fight — they saved that for Rocky II. The goal isn’t always the ultimate prize. Sometimes the goal is completing the journey. Proving you can go the distance is a worthy goal in itself.

But what’s the movie REALLY about? In a larger sense, the obstacle is not Apollo Creed. The obstacle is Rocky’s own self-doubt. The goal is making something of himself, not just out of pride but so he can prove himself to Paulie and feel worthy of Adrian’s love.

Why is that second layer of meaning important? Because not everybody is a professional boxer. But all of us have doubted ourselves and had other people doubt us. All of us have had the universal feeling of knowing that going the distance is a victory in itself.

That’s what makes stories matter: when you read or watch or hear a story about a total stranger, in a completely different world, and you recognize that story as your own.

Stories connect us as human beings. In fact, they’re part of what MAKES us human beings.

Of course, I’ve oversimplified a lot here today. Most good stories are dense and complicated, with many characters and lots of obstacles and elusive goals. Sometimes they jump around in time and space. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what they’re really about.

But this basic framework — these three pictures, those two questions — lie at the heart of it all. If you don’t have them all, you might have something, but you don’t have a story.

Why did we stay up way too late to watch the end of that stupid movie? Because for all they got wrong, they got the heart of it right. They made us care about this goofy disgraced scientist and his walking-on-the-floor-of-the-spaceship astronaut wife.

The story was about saving the earth. But it was really about love, and the amazing things two people can accomplish when they believe in each other. They can move mountains — not just mountains, but whole planets.

So when the astronaut used her husband’s space battering ram to knock Mercury out of our path like a giant galactic cue ball, I went to bed happy and satisfied.

Because I was reminded, once again, that a good story can save us all.

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The swans in the hotel room

I’ve been on the road a lot the past year or so. After a while the hotel rooms all feel the same. This is fine with me — all I need is a place to work, a comfortable bed and hot water in the shower. If there’s a sofa and HBO, bonus. Maybe I can finally see “Game of Thrones.”

Having said that, all those similar hotel rooms have similar little irritations. Too many pillows on the bed. Not enough shampoo in that little bottle. Curtains you can never get all the way closed to keep that laser of sunlight from hitting your face at 6 a.m.

The main problem is that moment when you first wake up, and the room looks the same as a hundred other rooms, and you can’t remember where you are.

The other day I checked into a Fairfield Inn in Smyrna, Tenn., a Nashville suburb. When I opened the door to my room, this was on the bed.

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I thought it was a heart. I emailed the photo to my wife, who immediately said it was two swans. As soon as she said it, I saw the swans, too.

I don’t know how many Fairfield Inns you’ve been to in your life, but you don’t usually see swans.

When I went back down to the lobby, I asked about it. The manager said I should see Mindy, the head of housekeeping.

Her full name is Mindy Ledford. She has all kinds of pins on her nametag — awards for good service. About three years ago, she said, the hotel staff was talking about ways to make the place memorable. Somebody brought up how cruise ships made animals out of towels and put one on the bed in each cabin as a little surprise for the guests. (Maybe you had heard of this. I hadn’t. Most of my experience on the water has been in a bass boat.)

Mindy went online and found a couple of places that show you how to make the animals. She taught the other housekeepers. Now they make the swans for anybody staying in a king room, and elephants for anybody staying in a double. If you’re staying more than one night, and you leave them a nice note, they’ll make you another. They also rotate animals down by the pool. Mindy can make a dog, a monkey and a lobster.

One guy who’s a regular at the hotel is getting her to teach him how to make them.

Something I’ve come to appreciate in life is a thankless job done well. My mama was a waitress for a long time, and she was so good at it that travelers requested her when they came through town. I’ve watched the guys at the car wash who clean out the cup holders and vacuum under the seats. I’ve seen the movers who covered our furniture with a double layer of quilts so it wouldn’t bang around in their truck.

I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to clean hotel rooms for a living. The only time anybody notices is when it’s done wrong. There’s no rule, not even much of an incentive, for these housekeepers to do a little extra. But they do it anyway.

Mindy’s idea worked. The Smyrna Fairfield Inn is, in fact, memorable.  I won’t forget how much it means to give people a little more than they expect.

I think I was right about the swans the first time. They do make a heart.

P.S.: When I got back to the hotel, a few hours after talking to Mindy, this was waiting on the bed. They make turtles, too.

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Turtles ain’t easy.

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100 words on… the Daytona crash

I’m reading David Carr’s junkie memoir “The Night of the Gun.” He talks about the carefully acquired skill of shooting up cocaine — how the goal is to get as high as possible without overdosing. This is roughly the same goal of NASCAR. Only creeps watch just for crashes. But fans want to see drivers mash the gas and swap paint — to push all the way to the edge of a terrifying wreck. The problem is, going that fast, sometimes you get a terrifying wreck. The tally this time is 28 injured. I’m always surprised it isn’t worse.

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100 words on… Chipper Jones

 

photo-3The Braves announced Tuesday that they were retiring his number. He was in camp to help with drills. He showed up in full uniform, down to the can of dip in his back left pocket. He wore shades, so you couldn’t see his eyes. “I’ve put the cap on it and closed it tight,” he said. “But I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss 7 to 10” — game time. He kept staring out at the field. “It all went by so quick… 19 years.” Then he got up and went out there to teach younger men.